It was a typical session in my therapist’s office circa 2014. The topic? My deep sense of shame and the feeling that nothing I did was good enough. “It’s not that I’m a perfectionist. It’s just that everything I do and everything I say has to be perfect.” My therapist gave me a wry look. “Not a perfectionist?” she asked gently. When something is so integral to your being, to your sense of self, it can be hard to see it for what it is.
I’m less of a perfectionist now, though I still struggle at times. I felt its glittery pull the most when I was in my twenties. Fresh off a traumatic adolescence that topped a chaotic childhood, I was filled with self-loathing. Shame, guilt, a cringing ache when I thought about the not-so-distant past—I was terrified that everyone would see the badness inside me. When I made mistakes, it was an outward expression of the ugliness inside me, a “tell” that would show everyone what an irretrievable mess I was. When I did well, or close enough to perfect, it bought a redemption that didn’t stick. The shame remained.
The legacy of perfectionism
Perfectionism is on the rise in college students in the U.S. and Canada. It often comes with a strong sense of responsibility for things that go wrong, such as difficult relationships or work situations, along with a struggle to take pride in the good things. Combine the need to be perfect with low levels of self-compassion and a harsh sense of personal responsibility, and perfectionism takes its toll. It is associated with anxiety, depression, eating disorders, and obsessive-compulsive disorder (OCD). For some, perfectionism contributes to thoughts of suicide as well as suicidal actions.
What is perfectionism?
How we define perfectionism depends on where we fall on the perfectionist spectrum. We may believe the word means having high standards. Or perhaps the concept makes no sense to us. Instead, perfectionism feels like a necessary way to make up for our inadequacies. Separating it from our identity feels impossible. Perfectionism is us. The term on its own is meaningless.
Psychologist Thomas S. Greenspon describes perfectionism as a “desire to be perfect combined with a fear of imperfection.” He goes on to succinctly outline perfectionism’s stark costs: “Nonperfectionists who push themselves to succeed may well be disappointed and hurt by failure; perfectionistic people are potentially devastated by it.” At the root of perfectionism is the feeling that who we are is inadequate and unacceptable to others. This is coupled with the belief that being perfect will make up for our inadequacies. By attempting perfection, we attempt to make ourselves acceptable.
Defining or even recognizing ourselves as perfectionists can be threatening. And when we do, letting go of perfection as a way to cope with feeling inadequate is often terrifying , particularly without something to replace it with. The prospect of ending our quest for perfection means potentially being vulnerable and seen as we are, faults and all. All of this is scary, leaving us worried about being exposed as frauds or bad people in disguise.
How it affects how we think, behave, and feel
Perfectionism permeates our thoughts, behavior, and feelings. When we believe perfect is good, imperfect is bad, with no in-between, we miss out on positive experiences. If we think making mistakes is a sign of defectiveness, we may become stuck in inaction. Behaviors tied to perfectionism include putting excessive effort into projects to the detriment of ourselves or spending more time on organizing a project than doing it (author’s note: like researching for this article!). Emotional aspects include anxiety around making mistakes or anger at others’ fumbles. The emotional center of perfectionism, however, is the feeling that we are repugnant. By doing things perfectly, we hope not only to hide our deficits, but also to become acceptable. Perfectionism is ultimately about how we feel about ourselves and whether we are good enough. It is about wanting acceptance while fearing we do not deserve it.
Researchers studying perfectionism sometimes divide it into three types. These types overlap and reinforce one another. Socially prescribed perfectionism is when we believe others demand or expect perfection from us. In these cases, we worry people will see our mistakes as signs of incompetence or worse. This leads to procrastination, anxiety over performance, and difficulty finishing projects or assignments. Self-oriented perfectionists have high personal standards for performance that push us to excel or overwork. Other-oriented perfectionists expect and pressure others to be perfect. This often happens when our performance is tied to other people (for example, coworkers, people on group projects, or our kids).
Perfectionist tendencies: Can they be a good thing?
Those of us with perfectionist tendencies tend to shrug off the label. It’s not that we want things perfect, we want them right. Besides, how can we be perfectionists when our efforts so often fall short? Our value and sense of self are tied to doing things spot-on, all the time. Afraid to make mistakes, we procrastinate. When the inevitable fumbles and off moments happen, we obsess over what we did wrong. Imperfect friends, sloppy partners, messy family members? Their all-too-human ways drive us batty. But could aspects of our attention to detail be positive?
There is some debate within the psychology community about whether perfectionism can truly be positive. Perfectionism is related to conscientiousness, the quality of being responsible, diligent, hard-working, and responsive to the needs of others. Self-motivated perfectionists can be adaptive, with high, but flexible, personal standards focused on personal goals. In this line of thinking, adaptive perfectionists can adjust to less-than-perfect outcomes, though I would argue these folks are not necessarily perfectionists. In contrast, negative outcomes crush those of us who are “evaluative” perfectionists. When perfectionism is evaluative even the good moments are but temporary reprieves from self-loathing. In these cases, the strive to be flawless comes with more mental health struggles. Combine self-oriented perfectionism, evaluative perfectionism, and certain family factors, and the risk for anorexia and bulimia increases. In addition, recovery becomes more challenging.
Is it satisfying?
One way to look at the relative usefulness of perfectionism is to think about its connection to satisfaction and a positive, realistic sense of self. When high standards cover a low or impoverished self-image, perfectionism is problematic. In addition, it tends to maintain low self-esteem versus improve it. Being perfect is an elusive, frustrating, and unattainable goal. Positive experiences are fleeting. Satisfaction is hard to come by. It is also possible to be successful, with high, but flexible, personal standards without being a perfectionist. This indicates perfectionism is not necessary part of motivation.
As a recovering perfectionist, I understand how you might interpret this. Our way of coping, of trying to be in the world and make up for not being good enough, is itself not good enough? The thing that feels so necessary isn’t necessary? We are good enough. We are just fine as we are. The work we need to do is around self-acceptance, and we don’t need to do it alone.
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